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• https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-06-26/mentor-holds-special-place-in-surfers-heart/100236752

Intergenerational relationships between men are nothing new, and we have been moving between our age brackets since Adam was a boy. That tired old canard of abuse of either the senior or junior partner is reflected in comments across the Vanillasphere. Academic research has identified this ‘concern’ as belonging to social agendas in Britain and Germany during the 19th and 20th centuries which has persisted in post-Colonial legal systems until recently. Having noted that, it might be of benefit to examine – in a 21st-century social context – what a Dad/son relationship is by dividing it into its constituent parts: Dad, son and relationship.

What is a Dad? 

 A Dad is a man who applies a state of mind that encompasses care, consideration, mentorship and leadership to a junior male. A Dad is usually a cis-gendered male, though this may not always be the case. He has the welfare of a younger man at heart; his natural impulse is benevolent guardianship. His is the safe space. A Dad offers stability, dependability, experience, patience, encouragement, a steadying hand, advice, challenges, priorities, and manhood by example. He self-identifies with the role of care-giver, if not the label; a Dad takes over where a father leaves off. Above all, a Dad is a foil against toxic masculinity. 

A Dad does not have to be ‘old’ (as some maintain), but he is – by definition – senior in years and life experience to his ‘son’. That seniority slides along the age continuum: a Dad may apply his attentions to a man, men, or series of men, anywhere between 10, 15, 30 years his junior. Old or not, a Dad remembers what it was like to be young.

What is a Son?

A ‘son’ is a junior adult male who finds he is attracted to an older, usually cis-gendered, male. He is often developing in his sexuality, exploring his new mind-set and still learning how to be a man; he is becoming familiar with his body and its capability. Often experimenting with peers, he feels disappointed with his age group and seeks out males who can assist this exploration in a safe but adventurous way. A ‘son’ will finally find comfort in the company of a male his senior in both age and experience. He is what a Dad used to be, young and adventurous.

A ‘son’ who is developing, or recently developed in, his sexual needs seeks out a man who can provide stability amidst uncertainty, an ally in adversity, protection in acceptance, novelty in experience, and pride through being challenged. What a ‘son’ feels is beyond infatuation or conferred hero status: he looks for a man who understands his new life (where his father may not), through guidance, instruction, and clear practical advice. He’s looking to add to the tool kit of modern gay life and will find it in the company of older men.

What is the relationship?

Gay relationships exist when variations in age, race, background, or social difference create novel conditions for men to engage physically, emotionally, and socially. Not all gay intergenerational relationships operate on a Dad/son basis. There is, however, a recognisable connection between the two: the interplay of a strong, protective Dad with an adoring, enquiring ‘son’ combines love, power, and masculinity, and belongs to deep history.

In the hetero-normative context, the father/son, teacher/student, coach/protégé relationship is assumed to be finite and not questioned, but an ongoing relationship is looked at askance, and with suspicion. That said, Dad/son relationships are a form of mentoring, and the shared homosexuality of the partners is a personal extension of societal gender norms and expectations about masculinities. Most partners in Dad/son relationships subscribe to common values: masculinity is praised and therefore celebrated between them. It has become a stereotype in the gay community.

Age differences overlap other gay subculture identities (Bear/cub; SM Dom/sub dynamics; muscle studs and gym bunnies; Chubs and their chasers; Suits and pretty bois; Scruffs and their lads; the list goes on...). For some relationships, the only imbalance is experience.

Age difference may be the initial attraction, but it is more a mutual attitude that makes the Dad/son relationship work and thrive. There is a resonance between both Dad and ‘son’ based on essential personal values: recognition of different levels of experience; honesty and clarity in communication; a lack of selfishness and a capacity for giving; the need for mutual emotional expression; guidance and learning; an acute awareness of respect and boundaries. Additionally, the negotiation between Dad and ‘son’ can galvanise right-minded behaviours and resolve inner conflicts in both parties. Both will be better men for it. This resonance dictates that the relationship is thus negotiable but based on mutual organisation and complementary self discipline and restraint. There is genuine and mutual admiration.

The rewards of mentoring go both ways. The ‘son’ gains the opportunity to experience the particular masculine love that a tender and nurturing Dad can offer; for the Dad, receiving attention from a younger man by modelling the virtues of stability, caring, and perseverance adds a greater value to what is, after all, the parallel to parenthood. It brings out his best and completes him as a man.

Socialisation is important to both parties. A ‘son’ can learn from the discourse between two gris eminences, when invited to observe or participate in the social setting. Older gay men are custodians of gay history. (The gay rights and legal benefits enjoyed by young gay men today were fought for and realised by the age group they seek. Older gay men smoothed the way for the next generation to be protected under law.) Older gay men have grown up during health and social crises, and have an understanding of personal safety and community caution. Dads have a well-developed sense of justice and are attuned to inequalities and bias. A ‘son’ can keep Dad abreast of social nuances from which he would otherwise be side-lined.

A Dad assumes his role once he enters into the dynamic alongside his ‘son’. Dad and ‘son’ cannot exist without one another. Thus, the phenomenon of the Dad/son relationship continues as it has for millennia.

(c) 2020, C4LEB asserts both the moral rights and the right of attribution of authorship.