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lost
Don't even know why I am writing this. A message in a digital bottle, I guess.
Sex has brought me more shame and sadness than joy. Bisexual and closeted through my 35-year marriage. I lost my wife 5 years ago, but love her still and hate myself for my dishonesty (and all the times I cheated with other men and women). But if I had been truthful with her, we never would have had those years together. I honestly thought I could put my bisexual desires away - loved her then and now - and (at first at least, like any marriage) the sex was more than satisfying. But I was lying to myself long before I lied to her.
I am still afraid to live my truth, though no one would care if I 'outed' myself at this point. I am in my 60s now and know that my appearance and age make unfuckable. I occasionally go to bathhouses (pre-plague) but that primarily means I wander around being ignored (of course) hoping to happen upon a hot scenario of fit younger guys getting off together so I can wank privately at a safe distance. Is there anything more pathetic than being that fat, pale old guy jerking off by himself while hot younger guys suck and fuck? I think not. Living the dream...
If I had been straight, maybe I could have avoided this ongoing self-hatred. Maybe I could have been true to her - my behaviour matching my undeniable love for her. Instead, I am cursed with unresolvable guilt - a chain of my own making. If I had simply been gay, I would probably not be alive now - I very likely would have caught AIDS. We were married in 1980 when I was 24 - to have been active in the gay world in those days would have been deadly. I was always very careful in my other encounters and other than the bathhouse visits (I was more participatory when I was younger) and male massage parlours, I never attempted a 'date' or any kind of relationship with another man or woman.
I remain horny - though my plumbing is intermittently cooperative. I sometimes go to female massage places just to see if I still work. Now I am just a pathetic old man occasionally jerking it to boys (and girls) who are FAR too young. Unless I pay for it, I will never be touched again. I will never share a true kiss or feel a loving embrace. Never wake to the warmth of her beside me. I sleep with her ashes now and wake each morning to soul-crushing sadness and remorse. I cannot change the past and I have no interest in the future. I will die alone (I guess, ultimately we all do). No kids or close family.
Don't let this happen to you.
My dear friends -
Thank all of you who have taken the time to offer you thoughtful responses and support/advice.
I honestly was not seeking advice or support - I just felt the need to use this safe space for reflection and self-assessment. A confessional of sorts, I guess. As we gather in this place to share and exercise our (for some of us) secret appreciation of young men and boys, it felt like as good a place as any to cast some light on my shadow-self.
Thank you all so much for your commiseration and for helping me to feel not so quite alone in my state.
r
Everyone are bisexual. Marriage doesn't work. We as a species have been lied to and taken advantage of my bad people and organizations.
I feel you mr
Find not fund
Very brave to be so honest and I admire you for that. Our sexuality is a massive part of our lives. I hope you are somehow able to fund friendship, on line or in person, and come to accept and love yourself for who you are. We can't change the past but we can only try to live each day believing we are the person we are and try to move forward in that belief.
I think you're beating yourself up for no reason. I'm in a similar situation but have been married even longer (although I've never had sex with another woman). I love my wife but there are things she cannot provide so at times I've had sex with guys (which I don't actually consider 'cheating'). But we've had a great marriage and it's one I still treasure. I've done a hell of a lot for her and I don't regret a minute of it. I strongly suspect she couldn't have found a nicer (or better looking husband).
Think back on all the good times you had with your wife and all the things you enjoyed together and reflect on those things more than your 'dishonesty'.
Frankly, I think bisexual men are basically kinder to women and largely make better husbands.
Now you need to do something about your self-esteem - and you should immediately lose some weight. Cut down on how much you eat and get some exercise - there's no reason you have to be fat, so slim up.
You don't say what you do for a living, but do more to help others. You don't know what a morale booster that is. Join a GLBTQ club and get involved - who knows maybe you'll meet someone.
Feel free to message me if you want.
Josh
Truth is.......you have been beating yourself up all these years because you could not accelt yourself, clearly.out.of fear, most likely. I am so sorry it has been that way for you. Now, tho, is a new time in your life. Learn to embrace it and let the remaining years be years you live your life as you please. Be brave and care less about what others think. It just the way it is. Be happy.
Be more indifferent, things look way more optimistic when you give less of a fuck.