Xtatic's Blogs

I’ve got to share something because I can’t seem to get it off my mind.  It’s not a happy topic, in fact it’s about HIV/AIDS.  So if you’re sensitive to the subject, or you’re horny and here to get off, this will probably be a boner killer.  You’ve been warned.

I just found out, that one of my oldest (in terms of years, not age) friends died of AIDS a few years ago, and I am devastated.  We haven’t seen or talked to each other in a long, long time because I moved out of state and lost his contact information.  But I’ve been actively looking for him online off and on for 3-4 years now.  I had tracked down a friend of his several months ago on FB, but for some reason, the person wouldn’t accept my friend request or answer my messages.  Now that I know Shayne has died, it might be bc talking to me about Shayne would have been too difficult for him, idk.  But anyway, I finally tracked down another mutual friend, and that’s who told me the news.  It hit me like a semi truck.  All of a sudden, it felt like my stomach dropped and my heart just stopped beating for several minutes.  I felt so empty inside.  Shayne was my very first crush, the very first person I came out to, my very first kiss.  Things never went any further than that between us, but that’s partly bc I was a chicken shit and wouldn’t admit to him my feelings.  I had very low self-esteem, and feared he would reject me.  I was so in love and turned on by him, that when we had our kiss, I came in my pants without even touching myself.  That had never happened before or sense.

I don’t know how to handle this, I really don’t.  I’m upset with myself for losing touch with him.  I’m upset with myself for not telling him about my feelings for him.  I’m upset with myself for not being there for him when he needed all the support he could get.  I’m upset with my old friends for not letting me know first that he was sick, and second that he died.  The person that told me said he went downhill really fast, and in some small way I guess that was a blessing, he didn’t suffer long.  But I have no other info, like when did he find out, or was the disease too far gone before he started treatment.  I literally want to curl up and die right now.

I had a hard time accepting I was gay.  Back then, I thought being gay was a death sentence - that all gay people would get AIDS and die an untimely death, but I was naive then (at 13), and I know differently now.  But losing Shayne kind of puts that fear in my mind again.  I’ve tried being as careful as I could be.  I’ve always got a condom with me for whenever the situation calls for one, but is there more I should be doing?  I plan on getting tested as soon as I get paid.

But I want Shayne back so bad.  He was gorgeous, and just one of the most likable people you would ever meet.  His smile would melt your heart, and his laugh was contagious.  We would sit on the floor in his bedroom and play music for hours, trying to find an artist or song the other had not heard of but we’re sure the other would love.  I’d just sit there and stare at him when he wasn’t looking, jealous of how beautiful he was, and how bad I wanted him to roll on top of me, pin me to the floor, and just start kissing me.

I’m crying so much that I can’t write this anymore.  I don’t even know if I should publish this.  I guess I just wanted to say goodbye I didn’t get the chance to say.  You were loved Shayne, more than you know.  I hope to see you again someday.  RIP ????