's Blogs

  I would love to be able to sit here and write that I am such a wonderful, open, loving person that I don't judge anyone, but that's just not the case. I judge. And I hate it. It's one thing I do much more often than I should and it's one thing that ultimately causes a great deal of unhappiness within me.  I know we all do this to some extent and I also know that it relates completely to how we feel about ourselves. If you are 100% happy with who you are, you are a lot less likely to feel the need to judge others. Though I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with who I am and, therefore, judging others less, I still have a long way to go until I am self-assured enough not to cast a downward glance at others.  I've realized that judgment is something I do without thinking. Someone cuts me off in traffic? I mumble, "What an asshole!" Someone comes to work wearing something from a few decades back? I think, " he sure needs a new wardrobe!" A friend spends time with a no-good ex? I think, "That's really pathetic." When I think about these things (which are only a few small examples), I realize that all of them could easily be me. I've cut someone off in traffic before. I've worn outfits that weren't fabulous. I've certainly spent time with exes I shouldn't have. I judge others when I could very well be in their shoes. And, worst of all, I feel bad about it after. When I judge someone, I don't feel good about myself, not even for a second. I feel bad.  I don't want to be judged and I've always believed in the idea of treating others how I want to be treated. And I certainly wouldn't want someone whispering to a coworker, "Did you see his new hair cut? Awful!" (Yes, I've said that.) If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency. So why do I do it? Right now I think it's become a habit. I believe it started off as a way to bond with people. When we talk about someone else, most people will gladly join in. There is a bonding that comes with judgment so I understand why I started doing it in grade school and high school. There's nothing like getting a laugh from the popular kids! When we are insecure and/or unhappy with who we are, we try to put other people down. Though it doesn't usually build us up when we put others down, we do it anyway. We want to feel good by making others feel bad.  Often, when we're scared or intimated by other people, we'll put them down. We also may fear those who are different from us and may judge them just because they are unlike us. When we are lonely, we might use judgments to bond with other people, but the bonds we have based on judging others are superficial and are not likely to contain true substance. When we want our own lives to be different, we are jealous of others' changing lives we are then likely to make quick judgments. When judging others stereotypes get formed and people are trying to live up to (or avoid) the ideas of what they are "supposed" to be. Whether stereotypes are based on race, gender, spirituality, ethnicity, appearance, or any other attribute, they are bad news. They force people to feel as if there are standards they must meet instead of living a free, happy life. Don't be a part of perpetuating stereotypes with our own judgments. No matter what way we rationalize our judgments, they are not bringing anything good into the world. They bring others down. They bring us down. They make the world a more unhappy place. Can we imagine for  a moment,  if we were all accepting and loving of one another, and what the world would be like if we tried to understand other people rather than judging them? Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch ourselves before we speak, or send that nasty email and do any potential harm. We can’t get our words back. Pause, and see if we can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase our critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one.  I know I have the ability to change and to stop placing so many judgments on others. It's important to remember that I'm talking about negative judgments here. Not all judgments are bad. Not all judgments are hurtful or painful or wrong. But most of them are. And those are the ones I want to stop. I want to be a happy person and judging others doesn't make me happy. I'm pretty sure this won't be easy. I've been judging others for a long, long time. It's going to take a lot of work for me to realize what I'm doing and stop it before it happens. It's going to take a lot for me not to join in when I hear the critical words of others. It's not going to be easy, but, most things that are worth it aren't.