brandonboy15's Blogs

Im so confused and torn apart, I don't know what to do anymore and I really need some advice.  A while back, probably around 8 years ago, I was introduced to my cousins friend and immediately fell in love with him and knew I had to have him. If you don't believe in love at first sight, it does in fact exist. Anyways, we ended up living together at my cousins because we both worked there as well.and we also started hanging out all the time and soon became best friends.  He could tell that I was into him, i'm sure of it but for a long time it went unsaid as I was still in the closet and it wasn't even a consideration that he might be gay.  As time passed I obviously grew more and more attached but I was affraid if I said anything it might be the end of our friendship. One night we were drinking and ended up getting smashed to the point where he went in and crashed but I was still up. Like I said, i couldnt resist anymore so I had this great idea to go and sneak a touch while he was sleeping and thats exactly what I did.  Well to my amazment, he actrually woke up from it and really got into it and we had the most amazing sex you could ever imagine. This happened a couple more times throughout the following couole of years. What I cant figure out is every time I try to talk about it sober, he avoids it like a plague. In the 8 years so far of our friendship, we can't talk about it but if I innitate it at night when we've been drinking then its fine. It gets a whole lot worse too.  A few years back, I came out of the closet and told friends and family that I was gay.  It happened one night having a fire and it was Brandon (He's the one) that asked me.  I told myself for a while that if he was the one to ask, I would tell him and he did and so I did.  Well he acted fine about for the rest of the night but the following day was day 1 of being completely ghosted by him. Called and no answer, texted and no answer. It was a mutual friend of ours that had to tell me that he didn't want to be friends any more... Wtf? He was the only one that knew and he's the only guy I've loved and had sex with so it couldn't be an image thing. Well anyways after about 3 years I guess he wanted to be friends again. Found that out through the same mutual friend. I was so excited I called him right away and he answered and slowly we started to hang out again. Over the last year we've still been really good friends and talk daily via text but we live in different areas so seeing each other is a bit more spotty then before.  Recently, I texted him for some advice. We talked for a while and all of a sudden I wasn't getting any response. I guess I lost it a little and had a small break down and over texted and maybe sounded a little needy but I haven't heard a word since and now its been close to 5 month. In my defense, its only because he did this before and I was scared, well... He ghosted me again but this time it was at a point in my life when I've never been so low and I've never needed someone so bad. Well go figure, our mutual friend told me what he said and that he doesn't want to see me again.  Up until a few days ago, Ive been trying to text and call but now he blocked me and so there is no way of communication what so ever for me.  I know how it sounds so far but let me explain something.  We were literally as close as 2 friends could be. I was great friends with his entire family, went up north with his whole family to his grandparents house for weeks at a time, we did everything together.  Those few nights we spent together making love lasted for hours, to the point that we weren't drunk anymore.  We both told each other how much we loved each other, we kissed passionately for very long lengths where we could hold each other any tighter and could get close enough. Ive never been with someone so passionate and so loving and it was the most satisfying experience ive ever had in so many ways. I could look into his eyes and he would orgasm 3 times while we staired, held hands and more or less just breathed each other in. Im serious, in one night, I would have no problem giving him in the neighborhood of 20 orgasms and it was the same for me. I held him tight and rubbed my hands through his hair and whispered in his ear how much I love him and how sexy he was and then I kissed his ear and down to his neck. You would think he was having a seizure with how intense his orgasms were and how many he had.. The point im trying to make is that 2 people couldn't possibly be more in love with each other than him and I are.  Why did he do this to me again? Every day is so hard for me and everyone tells me to use it to hate him and move on.  Well I dont want to hate him and I'm not going to. I'm also not going to move on either because I can't and I don't want to. Theres something about him that I can't help but feel we're supposed to be together and we were meant to find each other.  I'm completely head over heals for him and I don't even want to live without him in my life. Since the day I saw him for the first time with the best smile I've ever seen anyone have, Ive been in love and even to this day, my love for him has done nothing but grow.  Im so confused and I'm affraid that if I don't keep trying, he'll slip away for good but if I do keep trying, it might piss him off.  The worst part about him is that he is a serious grudge holder and he's very stubborn to the point where even if he's wrong and he knows it, he'll just run with it instead of face the facts.  I don't know what to do but I do know that I have to get him back. Should I wait? it worked the first time but like the saying goes, "if he comes back then hes your"... well thats bullshit because he did and now he's gone again. Should I do something nice for him? The dollar amount doesn't matter if someone has any suggestions. To me, he's my lifes jackpot and I dont care about money or material things as much as I do him. I would live in a wet cardboard box under a bridge if it could be with him. Please help me, I don't know how much longer I can go. I don't even know if I did something wrong. Nobody knows and he's not officially gay yet so I can do anything revealing or something that would get everyone's attention. I sent him a zippo engraved with the date of the last time he talked to me and also did a couple acronyms on it that say its never to late, without you nothing matters and love you forever but I got no response. He's also very emotional. Last time we were together, I said a handful of very nice things to him and about him and he thanked me and cried and made me feel really good like maybe that's something missing in his life.  I don't know, hopefully someone knows what I should do. Thanks for at least reading this but I hope to hear from someone, my life sucks right now because of this but at the same time, a lot of things couldn't be better. Those things are unrelated tho, I'm just severely heart broken and lost