's Blogs

Am not gay.

I knew I was gay from day one. What I don't understand is how does a male continue to be bi or continue to deny his true sexuality by saying I am not gay when in fact he is. 

I don't look gay, i don't talk gay, the only way anyone knows I am gay, is when i have a dick in my mouth....

At the age of 10-11 I caught myself looking or staring at boy's bulges in jeans, briefs, undies or speedos in a swimming pool or at a beach. Even worse, staring at cocks, little asses, hairy legs, wow... I knew then I was gay.  After that and even today tumescence tests (as swiftjohn put it) prove that fact on the daily bases. No doubt!

i knew when i first went to highschool and undressed in the locker room and every body else did as well i couldn't stop staring at cocks :) :) haven't yet stop staring and now love to be fucked :) :)

How do you know if you're gay? Easy. Do the tumescence test. Look at an naked image of what would be considered by normal cultural standards to be an attractive female. Does your dick get hard? Yes or no. Now look at an image of a hot young eighteen year old naked boy, his slender sculpted body shaved completely smooth and hairless, his perfectly formed solid bubblebutt jutting out so invitingly, his hard cock crowned with a mushroom head standing nearly vertical with his ball bag scrunched up so deliciously tight against the base of his cock shaft while imagining the hot thick sweet creamy sperm stored inside his body desperately waiting for release, his bulging perineum just begging for a tongue massage, his come hither smile beckoning to you. Does your dick get hard? Yes or no. You will have your answer.

In one of my classes back in Junior High School, I was seated next to a girl who was considered to be the hottest girl in the school by every boy there. She always wore short dresses showing a lot of leg. I was completely indifferent and ignored her. My favorite class was always Phys/Ed. Not because I liked athletics all that much but because of the group showers afterwards. I always found being naked in the midst of other naked boys to be exhilarating and was the high point of my day. And there were two or three boys whose bodies I found to be especially compelling. I would always try to shower next to one them varying between them from day to day so as not to be too obvious and when they weren't looking, my eyes would be grazing over their bodies - their buttocks and cocks in particular. Then at night I would create masturbation fantasies involving them. I knew then, without any doubt what so ever, I was gay. Although I hid it from others at the time for reasons of social expediency, I never denied it to myself or tried to be someone that I knew I was not.

Sexual desires, like all other variable and transient feelings, are not quantifiable. Life is not a series a mathematical formulas. Doubt is an absolute constant in any sentient life. One would be as similarly confused to say "If there is any doubt, then you aren't STRAIGHT!"  But once you've accepted the truism that most human beings are inherently bisexual, and that attempts to compartmentalize our complex natures are a product of a misguided and often brutal socialization, a process which is designed to limit and control us, then you can begin to get on with the business of living your fully human life, doubts, complexity, and all.

Some people are lucky enough to know that they are gay from the start, but many are uncertain. Some don't want to give in to their feelings because of their surroundings, others just have to explore what they like. Everyone is born different and being attracted to the same sex isn't always clear. Alot of gay people have, or had bi-sexual feelings at one stage of their life.

So if you doubt and don't wish to be gay, you can always try to control the feelings you have, and live a straight life, but if you will find happiness and joy is another question.

I cannot speak for those strong enough to come out.  I admire them.  I cannot speak for those fortunate enough to have friends and family who would accept them for who they are.  I envy them.  And I cannot speak for those brave enough to love in the veiled seclusion of secrecy.  I respect them.

I can only speak for myself...  How do I know?

Once I thought I was strong.  I drew this strength from my family above all.  They are my foundation.  My friends are the house I built on that foundation.  A good house, full of joy and laughter.  But one event rocked my foundation and threatened to bring this house down on top of me.  What happened is unimportant, but the lessons I learned from that day are not.  I need my foundation.  I can't live without my foundation.  Some people are strong enough to pick up and build a new foundation in some other place.  But I realized I am not.  So how do I know I'm gay?  Because I CHOOSE to live alone.  Surrounded by my family and friends- my house.  I need to be there for them, more than I need to be here for me.