HornyInVT's Blogs

I've been thinking a lot lately about a friend of mine. Her name is Sam. All throughout high school, Sam and I were very good friends. We first met in my school's version of homeroom, only it was in the middle of the day. I was sitting alone at my desk, as I usually was - I was so confused and timid then - and she came up to and sat across from me. She was so kind that we quickly became friends. I found out that we had a lot in common: we both enjoyed the same kind of music, we were both in the same band class (yes, I am a band geek), and we both shared many of the same views. We were practically meant to be best friends. I always thought that that was what she wanted, but I found out otherwise during my senior year.

She had broken up with her boyfriend a little more than a month before, and we were at the district music festival when she started with some fairly strong signals, which I tried my hardest to ignore (I was playing dumb). But still, she remained persistent and she started really throwing herself at me. I, still being in the closet, did not want to tell her my darkest personal secret, so I resorted to probably the worst possible option. I told her it would never work out between us because we were too different. I didn't give her any other reason besides that one, and I really think it hurt her feelings.

After nearly two weeks of avoiding me and not speaking to me, she started talking to me again, only a little though. We spoke mostly in passing, but I could tell she still had these strong feelings for me. Our relationship went almost back to where it was before, but there was some tension between us that still hasn't really gone away.

I remember, on the night I graduated(she was still a junior), she cried because she didn't want me to go. That night, we shared a very long hug, a hug that I feel had a completely different meaning for me than it did for her. I wanted so badly to tell her why I didn't think our relationship would last, but I still had that deep terror of telling somebody that I'm gay. So I left it unsaid and moved onto college.

As she plans on making her move up to college in the coming fall, I know that she is considering to come to the same college I am currently attending, but I fear she is making the decision based on the fact that I am here and she feels there is still a chance of kindling some sort of relationship between us that is more than just "friends," but I still can't bring myself to utter those three words that I know will make my life so much easier. I feel like such a jerk.